


Radishes Aren't Even That Rad...

by oooohno



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bottom Katsuki Yuuri, Eros Katsuki Yuuri, Here we go, Hhhhhhhhhh, I COULDNT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE, I REGRET THIS SO MUCH, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kinda, M/M, Plz dont hate me, Rimming, Sassy Katsuki Yuuri, Smut, THE CRINGE, Top Victor Nikiforov, VictUuri, Victor is a dork, Vikturi, WTF IS THE TITLE OHMYGOD, a clueless dork, and thats why we love him, at least at the end, hmm i bet that last tag makes u wonder, however the fuck you spell it, im sorry, is a raddish gonna eat a human?, is someone gonna eat one?, ive been spelling "radishes" wrong this whole time gdi, male x male, nah, now i gotta go change them all and spell them right, now with more vegetables, oH I KNOW SOMEONE IS GONNA FUCK A RADDISH, oh boy, oh god what would my family think if they saw this, plz dont fuck vegetables, reason number 932374 why im going to hell, thats unsafe, victor eats YUURIS ass, victor eats ass, victors english skills (tm), victuuri sexytimes, victuuri wedding, wedding fic, whats gonna happen with a raddish?, why did i decide to make this shitty idea a reality, why did i think this was a good idea, youll have to find out, yuuri goDAMNIT GO EASY ON OUR POOR VICTOR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-22 03:39:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11371821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oooohno/pseuds/oooohno
Summary: Either Victor's English needs a little work, or he just really likes raddishes.AKA the fic where Victor makes a hilarious mistake, and Yuuri won't let him live it down.





	Radishes Aren't Even That Rad...

**Author's Note:**

> W0w so this is my first time posting smut. And this IS smut at first, then it devolves into (an attempt) at humor. Kinda?? I mean they don't fully do the do but Victor doesss like to eat ass so that's there. Don't read if that bothers you.  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this horrible Abomination (yes, it deserves a capital "a").  
> I'll just leave this here then and go back to hell.

Victor looked up at Yuuri through his thick grey eyelashes. Yuuri was a mess, a complete, albeit adorable mess. His dark hair was ruffled and his part was essentially gone; his locks had decided to go any direction they pleased. His face was flushed red and his perfect eyebrows drawn together. Victor’s eyes travelled lower, to the other man’s lips. His perfect, soft, plump, inviting lips. They were parted slightly as Yuuri was panting. When the Japanese man licked them seductively, Victor felt as if he might melt on the spot. Or maybe die. Either was plausible because when Yuuri got eros, Yuuri got _eros_ and Victor could hardly handle it. Victor squeezed one of the thighs he was holding.

A quiet moan slipped from the lips Victor was currently staring at, and he decided right then that he wanted to hear more. He wanted to hear all of the delightful noises Yuuri could make and he wanted to be the one to draw them from Yuuri. No one else. He was the only one that could satisfy Yuuri and make him moan, scream, and whimper in pleasure.

At the thought of someone else being with Yuuri as he was right now, Victor felt a possessive heat fill his veins. No, he was the only one granted the honor of touching Yuuri like this. Victor, growing impatient, quickly hooked his fingers under the hem of the other man’s tight leggings. He tugged them down strong legs and finally around the Japanese man’s feet.

Victor licked his lips at the sight of Yuuri’s hard-on. He grinned mischievously, proud that he could turn him on like this. Gently, Victor pressed his lips to the tip of his cock, still only covered by the thin fabric of his boxers. Then, with more confidence instilled by the whimper of need Yuuri elicited, he ran he tongue from the base back to the tip. Yuuri visibly shivered, and covered his mouth to suppress a loud moan.

“Now, now, Yuuri.” Victor said as he reached up to pull down the hands blocking the sound he needed to hear. He placed them in his own silvery hair instead. “Don’t hold back. I want to hear you.” Yuuri moaned just at the words, fisting his hands into Victors soft hair.

Soon the Japanese man’s boxers went the way his leggings had, and he was laid bare before Victors appreciative eyes.

“Turn over for me, would you дорогой?” Victor whispered. Yuuri did so without a second thought, and moved to lay on his chest, face down and butt up. The Russian positioned himself by his legs once again.

Victor awed at the round ass before him. Unable to hold himself back (and not seeing a reason to), he grabbed one firm globe and squeezed. Yuuri gasped and his head shot up from where it was resting on the pillows. Without hesitation, Victor spread Yuuri’s cheeks and leaned forward, so his face was pressed into Yuuri, and his mouth was above his fluttering hole. He breathed out, his warm breath making it twitch.  His tongue darted out to taste his lovers tight entrance, revelling in how Yuuri shouted,”VICTOR!!”. Victor continued, pressing his tongue flat against the other man’s hole and moving it up, and back down. Then he used the tip of it to tease and circle it lightly until Yuuri was bucking underneath him. Obligingly, he then sunk it in and Yuuri arched his back, pushing against Victor more. Dimly, the Russian man heard a string of Japanese curses, and occasionally his name was thrown into the sentences his Yuuri was barely stringing together.

When Yuuri started squirming, wiggling for more, Victor paused to form a shit eating grin (hehe). He gripped the other man’s hips firmly and pressed them down to the bed.

“Be good and hold still,” He ordered. Yuuri kept writhing. “Stay still so I can radish you.” At that Yuuri went still.

“What was that?’ Yuuri asked in a shaky, breathless voice. “What did you say?”

Victor responded somewhat nervously. “I told you I was going to radish you.” Yuuri burst out laughing. Victor’s face was bright red, and his lips formed his trademark pout. He was beyond confused. “Yuuri?! What’s wrong, what did I do?”

Yuuri just laughed harder, until he forgot about the compromising position he was in and everything that had just happened, and Victor was worried he’d hit his head. It took him a while to calm down and stop laughing, when he did he spoke incredulously.

“Uh, Victor, I think you meant ‘ravish’.” The Japanese man barely finished the sentence before he burst out laughing again. Victor was still confused.

“So? What’s so funny? What does ‘radish’ mean then?” Yuuri cleared his throat to stop himself enough to answer the question Victor had asked.

“Well, ‘radish’ is the English word for a certain vegetable, a,” Yuuri racked his mind for the Russian word. He’d been learning a little Russian while he was with Victor, and luckily he knew this word. “Редис, I believe it’s called.”

Victor paled and resisted the urge to facepalm. He’d ruined the moment with his stupid mistake.

“Jeez, Yuuri!! I’m sorry!!” Yuuri giggled at the apology.

“Hmmm, I’ll forgive you...if you continue to ‘radish’ me.” He said with a giggle. Victor smiled, well, maybe he hadn’t completely ruined the moment. He buried his face back where it had been and Yuuri shouted from surprise.

  


\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

They’d been walking for hours now, Yuuri dragging him through the offered stalls and shops in his favorite Marketplace. Every once in awhile, when Yuuri’s eyes caught sight of something particularly interesting, he would grab Victor’s hand excitedly and he’d pull him behind him.

It reminded him of the fateful day, not too long ago, when they had bought matching rings for each other. They were for “good luck”, as Yuuri had said. Hmph. No way was Victor going to give up an opportunity to spin it on him and announce they were engaged. Yuuri couldn’t have argued, since everyone was still crowded around them at the table, and he didn’t want to cause a scene. Victor smiled, remembering each person's reaction.

Anyways, after that night, Victor had planned a _real_ proposal for Yuuri, so he could have a chance to actually say no. And of course he hadn’t. Victor was more than glad everything had worked out this way, and now he was engaged and completely happy with Yuuri. Now at that was left was the wedding once Yuuri won a gold medal.

 _Right, the wedding._ Victor thought. _It has to be perfect for my Yuuri. I wonder if he wants it to be at a Chapel? Or maybe he wants a Japanese style wedding. I don’t know how to plan that though. Well, I’ll just have to look it up!! Should we invite a lot of people? Or just a few? Maybe I should ask if Hiroko would cater - she could make katsudon for everyone!! But wait, what if Yuuri wants to elope? I wouldn’t mind that, as long as-_

“-tor?” Yuuri’s voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“Hmm?” He responded, distracted. Yuuri had stopped them in a stall selling fresh produce. Victor finally turned his head to face Yuuri, and froze as he tried to figure out what he was holding in his closed palm. Slowly, he uncurled his fingers from around the object and giggled. Victor groaned as it was fully revealed.

It was a radish. And he knew exactly what Yuuri meant to say with it.

“God, Yuuri!! You’re never going to let me live that down are you?!” Victor said, exasperated. The cashier looked at the with an odd look.

  


\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Victooorrrrr~” Yuuri purred in his ear. “Wake up, wake up, wake _up_ already!!” Victor groaned into his pillow as a response. What had Yuuri so energetic and bubbly this morning, he had no idea. He feels warm breath ghost over his face, then Yuuri presses a light kiss to the tip of his nose. Victor reaches out, eyes still closed, and grabed Yuuri’s waist to pull him closer. He nuzzled into the Japanese man’s neck and sighed contentedly.

“Come on, sleepyhead, you gotta get up.”

“Why on earth did you wake me up at, “ He blinked open his eyes and searched for their alarm clock. “8 in the morning?” Oh, it’s not as early as he thought it was. “Nevermind,” He murmurs to Yuuri. Victor was still exhausted from the previous night- Yuuri’s stamina was not a thing to take lightly- so that’s probably why he thought it was earlier.

“Right. It’s your birthday!!” Yuuri sing-songed. “Happy birthday Victor!!” The Japanese said the last bit in a voice that practically teleported him back to the banquet, and he heard the close resemblance to how the drunk man had asked him to “Be my coach, Victorrrr!!” As he was reminded of that night, he formed a question.

“Say, Yuuri, for my present how about you show me those pole dancing skills again? It could be my Christmas present too.” He smirked. The man in front of him blushed and stuttered out a sentence.

“B-but you don’t even celebrate Christmas in Russia.”

“Huh, funny that I got you a gift anyways.” They smiled at each other before Yuuri responded.

“Well, _maybe_ **_possibly_ ** later. But I got you something else!!” Suddenly Yuuri got a mischievous glint in his eye, and Victor gulped. “You’ll have to wait to open it though, I’m hungry!! We should eat breakfast first. I’ll even cook.”

“Mhmm you spoil me Yuuri. I love you.” Victor’s voice had turned low and gained a sultry edge, imagining that he could eat Yuuri for breakfast.

Once the food had been cooked and eaten, Yuuri sat Victor on their couch in front of a TV and left with a promise to bring his present. The Russian didn’t know what to expect.

Yuuri returned with a small, inconspicuous box wrapped neatly with striped wrapping paper. On the top was a purple bow, and a name tag. It was addressed to Victor, and it said it was from “Yuuri Nikiforov”. That was sweet, they hadn’t even gotten married yet, but Yuuri still wanted to use his last name.

“Yuuri Nikiforov, I like that,” Victor grinned at Yuuri.

“Me too. Now go on!! Open it!!” his fiance was hopping up and down excitedly and biting his lower lip. Victor couldn’t wait to know what was inside. But, It didn’t really matter, because he would love anything Yuuri gives him. There could be a dead fish in the box and Victor would still treasure it.

He quickly tore off the wrapping and pulled open the lightly taped cardboard flaps. There was fabric inside. He pulled it out, loving the silky texture, and unfolded it. Yuuri was giggling again, and Victor had learned that that was never a good sign. (Well, it was, because Yuuri was happy and laughing, and he wanted that for Yuuri, but it was usually at his own expense. He didn’t really mind, though) . He had unfolded it all the way now, and he could see it was a shirt. Victor beamed. Yuuri kept giggling, and the sound was getting louder and louder, harder to suppress.

“Turn it around.” Yuuri demanded. Victor did.

“Yuuri I swear to God!!” Victor shouted, feigning anger. Yuuri knew it was fake too, and they giggled together on the couch, where Victor thanked him for the gift. He even put it on.

On the front of the shirt, was an image.

An image of a radish.

  


\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Victor Nikiforov was going to die. Death by Yuuri Katsuki and the happiness he brings. The Japanese man was currently walking towards him, his dad beside him holding him by his arm. He wore a white suit that contrasted with his dark hair and eyes, and a wide smile. His raven hair was slicked back like he wore it during competitions, and his glasses were nowhere to be seen, replaced by contacts. Victor wasn’t sure his heart could take it, hence the reason he felt as if he would die. He was just so incredibly happy that he would get to marry this stunning man, the love of his life. It was _finally happening_.

Yuuri was deposited in front of Victor by his dad, and this close he could see the tears sparkling in the other man’s eyes. Any other time, Victor would hate to see Yuuri on the verge of tears, but he knew they were happy tears. And as the reality of what was happening _really_ sunk in, his own eyes mimicked those of his fiance.

He, Victor Nikiforov, was actually, really, finally getting married to Yuuri Katsuki. It was a dream come true.

While they were waiting for everyone to calm down and stop whispering, Yuuri brought his eyes up to Victors, staring at them intensely. Victor felt his heart soar. Yuuri grinned his adorable grin and leaned close to Victors ear. The Russian waited, his heart beating fast, for Yuuri to say something.

“Well, you look positively _radishing_.”

At that, Victor snorted, loud. He could not believe Yuuri. The priest gave him an odd look but cleared his throat, then began.

“We are gathered here today t-” Victor found himself zoning out slightly as the priest droned on, reciting the standard speech for weddings. He wished he could focus, after all, he wanted to remember every single part of this day, but he couldn’t. Instead he found himself staring back at Yuuri, whose gaze had not left his own. Then he studied his face, marvelling at the fact that Yuuri had chosen him as his husband, and he was the luckiest man alive.

By the time he found himself staring at Yuuri’s lips, it was time to present their vows. Yuuri went first, and Victor felt a tear or two drop from his eye. Then it was Victor’s turn, and Yuuri shed more than two tears by far. He finished with, “I love you”, Yuuri practically sobbed at that.

“Do you, Yuuri Katsuki,” The priest began, “Take Victor Nikiforov to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?"

“I do.” Wordlessly, Victor grabbed Yuuri’s hand and slid a smooth gold band around his finger.

“Do you, Victor Nikiforov, take Yuuri Katsuki to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?"

“I do.” Yuuri grabbed Victor’s hand and quickly slid the matching band onto his ring finger. By now they had both begun tearing up again.

“And now, by the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss.”

Cheers erupted around them as their lips met.

  


*cue author sobbing*

**Author's Note:**

> And they all lived happily ever after. And every once in a while when Yuuri's teasing got to be too much for Victor, he would stick a radish in Yuuris ass. NO IM JK JFC. annddd i probably didn't even need to put the rest of the wedding in there because he already mentioned a radish (gdi yuuri) but I JUST WANTED TO OK. 
> 
> pS. I DonT EVeN LIke (raD)DISHeS,,,
> 
> PLZPLZPLZ PLZ PLZ PLZZZZZ COMMENT WHAT YOU THOUGHT!!


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